heart-full

So, we ran out of internet at the end of the month. [’tis an exasperating situation stemming from pitiful rural service, bandwidth limits and an autistic child who doesn’t quite grasp the idea of moderation. :)]

Once we reach our limit, our speed slows down to those circa 1996. Remember those days? You could go and make a cup of tea while waiting for your email to load? Ah, good times. So, yes, I spent the last ten days trapped in the internet-nineties.

And then my computer died.

True story.

The universe is trying to tell me something in that mad-glint-in-the-eye, be-careful-what-you-wish-for sort of way.

You want analogue? I’ll give you analogue…

Between moments of lying face-down on the floor [there was a brief spell when I thought I’d lost my manuscript revisions] and moments of quiet delight [because, I sort of really do want analogue], I’ve managed to wrangle the entire experience into some semblance of perspective.

Sort of.

The pendulum swings wildly between packing it all in and soldiering valiantly on.

Currently, I’m a digital nomad…scurrying furtively from one borrowed computer to another. I’m still toying with the idea of packing it in and becoming a recluse.

In the meanwhile….

My beautiful friend Lis, who has reliably talked me off countless digital ledges in the past, is once again gearing up for her wonderful, annual, offering – HeartFull Living.

 

[click for more details]
[click for more details]

This year’s offering is particularly near-and-dear to me as Lis is donating all proceeds to HETRA, which is an equine therapy organization in her area. I know very well the magic of horse medicine and Lis gets to experience it full on when she volunteers there. You can read her post about that here.

Lis has asked me to join a collection of wonderful souls as a guest contributor this year – which tickles me beyond belief. As a contributor, I get to join in with the group but because I love Lis so much and am so inspired by both her work and her mission and because I know the incredible gift that these horses are –  I signed up again.

Which means I have a spot to give away.

And so I thought one of you might fancy it.

If you do – and why wouldn’t you?! – leave a comment and I’ll pick a name at random on…let’s say…..Thursday February 11th? Sound good?

The conversations of HeartFull Living never fail to prop me up — especially at this time of year when my spirit is certainly flagging. It’s gentle simplicity and thoughtfulness  is a welcome balm to my weary soul.

It’s a Very Good Thing Indeed.

~m. xo

ps. feel free to pass this on to anyone you think might enjoy the gathering – you can never have too much love.

 

artist, know thyself

IMG_0378

This is not my best time of year.  I hesitate to file it under the header of SAD – although perhaps it belongs there, and I know my mood lifts when the sun shines [a rarity this winter] – and instead prefer to think of it in terms of a ‘deep delve’.

I’m not depressed, as such — just more ruminative than usual, more inclined to long silences and bouts of existential explorations. I find social interactions more wearisome and the need for solitude more pressing.

Alas, the rest of the world would prefer I carry on in the typical fashion.

That’s the crux of it, I think — the ‘problem’ isn’t my delving, the ‘problem’ is the world’s view of such a state.

At this point I could veer off on a tangent on how I think the medical community tends to dispense mood-altering drugs in a knee-jerk reaction to normal cyclical and psychological processes, instead of leaving the medication to those truly in need of aid – but that’s just one of my wildly unsubstantiated instinctual theories that tend to raise eyebrows and incite shit-storms of misunderstanding.

So I won’t mention it.

attempting to photograph - through the window - a finch dining on echinacea seeds
attempting to photograph – through the window – a finch dining on echinacea seeds. shocking photography, I know.

In the spirit of honouring this particular phase – I’m attempting to allow myself the time and space to refill my creative well.

Writing a novel, it seems, tends to drain my life-forces. So much mental, emotional and spiritual energy went into writing Sea Bride — and the work is far from over — and it left me truly knackered. I’m sure it didn’t help that I was writing over the madness of Chrimbly. Anyway, it took me a while to realize that was the source of my thorough exhaustion.

It was a tiredness that went beyond simply getting a bit more sleep.

It was a tiredness of spirit.

A good kind of tiredness, mind you, a sort of deliriously happy exhaustion, but tiredness nonetheless.

Then – as you do – I began to question whether my expectations of myself are entirely realistic. Sure, I can fire out a first draft in about 6 weeks — but what then? Time for revisions, time for beta-reader feedback, time for more revisions and then, if I’m going to truly do this properly, time to let the manuscript rest before examining it again. And in between all that — time for me to rest.

I’m still muddling all of this over;  listening to my inner whisper that, once again, is trying very hard not to say “I told you so” in that maddening sing-song voice because it’s telling me something I already knew but chose to ignore.

This is a lesson that I have to keep learning all over again, it seems. Trying to work against my basic temperament, trying to push beyond my own process and what it requires of me, never works. Never. Not. Ever.

Which is totally okay.

I’m learning to appreciate the wonders that my creative process can produce when I get out of my own way.

I’m not able [well, at least not sustainably] to drill my writing process into a military exercise.

It’s not an assembly line; it’s more of a meander through the woods and fields with occasional stops to lie down and stare at the passing clouds.

So, I may be course-correcting*. Again.

Which is also totally okay.

I’m writing, and I want to keep writing, and so I need to sort out the way that is most likely to support that desire.

~m, xo

*I’m being purposely vague because I haven’t actually made up my mind yet. :)